National Game Review Publishes Shit List

National Game Review would like to notify the following companies that we will disclose the following information about you and your employees unless we recieve a press kit, artist's rendering of your company's CEO with a toothbrush up his anus, and evaluation copies of current and forthcoming games (or peripherals). If you would like to be like the wise companies that have fully cooperated with our demands, please send anything you feel would be appropriate to:

National Game Review
410 West Fourth St.
Bloomington, IN 47404
Direct questions to info@nationalgamereview.com

Activision
Heavy Gear 3 will feature mechs that are anatomically correct. Jack Mamais considers himself the 'world's greatest master of the bullwhip'. Still pissed off about the porn rip-off of Kaboom called Beat 'Em and Eat 'Em.

Atari
Redefining denial. Employees refuse to admit that it's not 1980. Still not admitting the Atari Jaguar was not 64 bit, and still gloating that they beat out the Intellivision. Complains that Final Fantasy VII clutters up gameplay with graphics and can't hold a candle to 'Adventure'. Nolan Bushnell still demands that Pac-Man for the Atari 2600 was a faithful conversion.

Blizzard
Makes all tester tie their balls off with a handkerchief before gameplay. Still wish they were developing side scrolling Superman games for the SNES. If you click on a marine long enough in Starcraft they will get explosive diarrhea, followed by rectal bleeding.

Cavedog
Employees can't get enough of field hockey, often wear checkered shirts to work. Incredibly catty about who looks best in knee socks. Had to cancel 'casual day' after majority of staff came dressed like pregnant nuns. Total Annihilation team swears they only nailed cleaning lady to wall with iron spikes after shoving crown of thorns on her head because they 'honestly believed she was the messiah'. Issued press release claiming to have the "most neatly trimmed pubic hair in the industry."

Cendant
Known to smear bird carcasses on each other's chests before marketing meetings. The only reason they are interactive entertainment is because they 'had no stomach for either the slaughterhouse or prostitution'. CEO works out vigorously at the gym prior to any meetings because he feels the "smell of jogger's ass" gives him the edge.

Eidos
Currently working on Aaron Spelling to develop soap opera based on recent events at Ion Storm in desperate attempt to make a return on their investment. Fittingly intense arguments about 'who would have a better chance of picking up Lara in real life' constantly occurring between employees.

FASA
Originally FASA stood for 'Fred Astaire Sucks Ass', later changed to 'Flatulent, Angry and Sexually Ambiguous' then to it's current 'Frankenstein's Anus Smells Awful'.

Fox Interactive
Corporate motto translates from the Latin to: "Our staff can hold more blueberry pie in their buttcracks than anybody else". Hottest item around the office is a 3D model of Gillian Anderson naked that was 'commissioned for possible use in an X-Files game to be made sometime in the future.'

GT Interactive
Over the last six months, GT has stood for: Generally Truculent, Genital Torture, Gargantuan Testes, Grandiose Tukkus, Green Turd, Gramma's Teets, Godzilla's Taint, Gangrenous Twat, and Gorgeous Thighs.

Id Software
Born Again Christians. The Majority of profits go to Jerry Falwell. All advertising for Quake Arena will be on the 700 Club. Michael Abrash left due to an argument over who was more svelte, Jesus or the Holy Ghost.

Ion Storm
Most employees obsessed with 'The Lord of the Dance' Michael Flatly. Irish jigging used to settle interpersonal disputes, promotions. John Romero, Tom Hall held a sixteen hour jig off over a disagreement about the control of NPC's in Diakatana.

Insomniac
If you look closely, Spyro the Dragon is hung like a pack mule. Extend and retract genitalia by pressing X and O while holding R1.

Jellyvision
Although they consider themselves masters of trivia, they are unable to tell National Game Review who stared in Tales of the Gold Monkey and how many teaspoons are in a hogshead. Also now knowledgeable of what followed Mork and Mindy during it's premiere season and the number of partners John Holmes enjoyed in 'Dickman and Throbbin'.

Lucasarts
Employees ready to kill next supervisor that uses a quote from Star Wars in a way that is intended to be inspirational. There is a $500 bounty on the head of the next project leader that says "there is no try". Hal Barwood has Tourette's Syndrome. Justin Chin left due to dental plan's failure to pay for gold teeth. Vince Lee is currently considering leaving to pursue his lifelong dream of becoming a Roy Orbison impersonator.

Luxoflux
The original title of 'Vigilante 8' was 'John Wayne had 44 pounds of fecal material in his body when he died due to colon cancer'. Will pay one hundred fifty dollars to the first reviewer that talks about Vigilante 8 without mentioning Twisted Metal 2.

The Learning Company
Currently negotiating with 2 Live Crew for rights to their song "Hey We Want Some Pussy" and "The Bitch Ass Kid and the Ho Ass Play." Admits the only thing they want people to learn is how to find their products in a store and purchase them. The only person on staff familiar with Educational Technology spent sixteen years teaching pigeons to play ping-pong for B.F. Skinner and thinks James Finn was the inventor of the beer helmet. Anyone caught saying "Freddy the Fucking Fish" instantly fired.

Mad Catz
As the name suggests, Mad Catz tests on animals. Most quality assurance testing is done using rhesus monkeys with venereal diseases in advanced stages. The original 'Mad Cat' was a tabby born with a severe case of fetal alcohol syndrome and an extra set of testes. All Playstation peripherals smeared with 'lucky dung' before shipping.

Midway
Most upper management worship Norse Gods and are constantly preoccupied with Viking culture. Often seen wearing heavy fur coats and brandishing swords and battle axes. Sacrifice goats before all major product launches. Constantly saying "what would Odin do?"

Mindspring
Name came from time owners son had an arrow accidentally shot into his brain cavity and caused high pressure blood spray. Make all perspective employees fashion a whip of cords and try to drive the merchants from the temple.

Neversoft
The appearance of Bruce Willis in their forthcoming game 'Apocalypse' virtually ensures sales of the game to his mother, friends. An excerpt from a recent insider memo: "As the game 'The Horde' showed, with it's inclusion of Kirk Cameron in the game's cutscenes, star power guarantees sales to the star's family, meaning that at the worst, Apocalypse will gross $113.98."

Origin
Richard Scarriot lives in a house he's trying to make look like a castle. Has people call him Lord British.

Paradox
Now regretting refusal to make Barney a secret character in Thrill Kill. Now realizing that people wouldn't have too much trouble making the connection between the Imp and a certain senator from Connecticut. Now fully aware of the backwards morality that pervades the United States. Hopefully realizing that the cancellation of Thrill Kill had everything to do with EA's efforts to fellate politicians so the US government can continue to put more time, effort and money in preventing software piracy than in preventing international arms smuggling.

Psygnosis
Still firmly believe that brown British teeth will become all the rage in the United States within the next three years. Working to sell themselves harder than a hungry prostitute on a cold December evening. Next installment in the Wipeout series to feature soundtrack by Krokus, Y & T, Dokken, Yngwie Malmsteen and Dio.

Purple Moon
Name comes from the time Brenda Laurel showed bruised ass to Paul Allen. NGR staff enjoys saying "Somebody at the Purple Moon booth gave me a love stone" far too much. Slowly working on Marxist feminism into product line, working on title "Rockett's Exploitation Due to the Political Struggle Between Genders."

Rare
Corporate motto translates to "Nintendo's Favorite Bottom". Most employees are ritual pickle dippers. Corporate health care package has suspended coverage for severe scrotal lacerations, as most programmers have uncontrollable urge to tug heartily on genital piercings whenever they hear Teddy Pendergrass.

Shiny
Dave Perry drinks a gallon of butterscotch a day. Entire staff massively superstitious. The ever growing list of things they feel are unlucky include: soap, pants, keyboards that say 'enter' instead of 'return', any Sega product, butter churns, cock rings, enemas, the Cleveland Cavaliers, sparrows, Helmut Cole, Kirk Cameron or any other star of 'Growing Pains', and patent leather.

Single Trac
Attempted to make a replica of Thor Hierdayhl's raft, the Kon Tiki, out of stretched foreskins smeared with buttery smegma. Maiden voyage barely made it out of employee parking lot, only lead to several employee arrests.

Slimyfrog
Currently developing a shareware health education arcade game called 'Avoid Projectile Vaginal Discharge'. Corporate CEO named company after his nickname for his wife's genitalia..

Sqauresoft
Hardest core Slim Whitman, Slim Goodbody, and Slim Pickens fans in Japan. Arguments over which 'Slim' is cooler go so deep that feelings on the matter are the basis for cubicle arrangement, promotions. Many employees have grown tired of wearing the full body, anatomically correct, leotards that Slim Goodbody is known for, and have gotten full body tattoos.

Sunstorm
Really wanted to make games based on Victorian literature. Working hard to put Ethan Fromme into the next Deer Hunter sequel. Incredible sales of Deer Hunter mostly due to sticker that falsely states 'free deer carcass inside'. Has been responsible for nearly 500 monitors being shot out by confused hillbillies who don't understand you are supposed to use the keyboard and mouse.